==JAPAN: KM== [Family]

Informed that my grandfather collapsed because of his cancer, I rushed to the hospital. When I reached the hospital the scene that flooded my eyes was my very little grandfather who was leashed by many tubes for maintaining his life, in a bed too big for him. In the dim sickroom, the only sound I could hear was that of the artificial respirator which was attached to him. The only thing I could do was hold his hand tightly and try to control my tears. He grasped my hand much more tightly than I had imagined. That represented the strength of his life and his wish to live, I thought.
It was one intensely sunny day in summer when we learned my grandfather was suffering from serious cancer. As my grandmother got to know about it, she decided not to let him know about it. I thought he really had strength of character, so if we would tell him the truth, he could accept and overcome it someday. But she knew too much about him, how he was tough but also warm, tender, having a little frailty everyone has. So, his struggling with illness began under the condition that he didn't know the truth. He underwent some operations and had a tumor in his kidney excised.
To our great surprise, he never said, "die" although he probably had severe pain beyond endurance. My grandmother tenderly looked after him, day in and day out. But whenever I came to the hospital and watched the situation of my grandparents and his doctor, a certain unrest in the depth of my heart grew bigger and bigger. It was like something saying, "Can I be a good doctor?" "As a doctor, can I effectively defend the patients' precious lives from various diseases?" It was the question that I had realized but ignored purposely when I was studying to pass the examination for the school of medicine at that time. In the hospital, I was completely powerless and I couldn't be of any help to my beloved grandfather. After all, I couldn't do anything on the precipice of this tragedy in my family. Time passed painfully and mercilessly. The cancer in his kidney had spread to all of his body and destroyed him steadily and violently.
The second winter has come since my grandfather died. The Japanese apricot tree, my grandfather loved from the bottom of his heart is coming into bloom again. Until grandfather's death, my grandmother was unwilling to talk about him. We deeply sympathized with her and we knew that only time could heal her despair.
One day recently, my grandmother began to talk to me about him slowly. The sun was shinning warmly and brilliantly on us on the veranda. "I encouraged your grandfather to try to live until you would become a doctor and could treat him." She continued, "Then he said 'Reina already gave me the best treatment.' I didn't understand what he meant by that, so I asked him, 'What's the treatment she gave you?'" She stared at me and said in a soft voice, "He answered, 'She gave me the strength to live through my life, even now. It's the best treatment isn't it?'" I felt the warm feeling coming out from the bottom of my heart and running throughout my body. She kept going on, "Perhaps he knew about his disease and what would soon happen to him. But I believe I was right about not letting him know about his disease because we trusted each other." She was looking at the garden our grandfather had been always in. "The trust was built based on the whole of our lives. We lived a life together for many years and shared each other's happiness, sadness and any other feelings, so, if he knew about his disease and that I conceal of it from him, he could understand my compassion for him behind my last untruth."
A Japanese bush warbler began to sing. The light, gentle wind stirred the naked branches. I felt my unrest melting away little by little and the decision swelling within me. I decided to challenge myself to be a doctor even if I don't know if I have the talent or personality to be a good one. My desire to be a doctor and help a lot of patients surpassed my unrest.
I break our silence and say to her clearly, "Sometimes, I think that when I visit here, he will still be sitting on a chair on the veranda, watching his garden grow." Grandmother smiled sweetly. The view in front of us was the same as it was when my grandfather first taught me the name for a Japanese apricot tree in my childhood.


"Getting It Together"

Through my grandfather's disease and death, I learned of the strong mental existing between husband and wife, and relatives. Thanks to it, my grandfather conquered unrest about death and I did so for the future. Now, I realize that we live a life, which is supported by various people, such as family and friends, and collect various precious memories in our heart. So, I wrote this essay with my great thanks for my grandfather, one of those always supporting me.
Writing this essay, I expressed vividly and clearly what I saw, heard and felt through all of my senses. I hope that you will grasp my experience and feeling with your own sensibility.